I work at a very large, notoriously obnoxious clothing store in downtown Portland. Most days when I’m clocking off I’m angry, stressed, exhausted, and pretty neurotic. On this particular day, I was extra-frustrated with my co-workers and customers and was practically running out the door to go home. As I was clocking out, I checked my phone to see if anyone had called. That’s when I saw it:
a big, fat picture text of someone’s cock. Most definitely a stranger’s cock, as I surely did not recognize it. Sent from a 559 area code, I didn’t have the number in my phone and had NO idea who or more importantly why this dick was sent to me.
The picture was strange: a quite unattractive erect penis with copious amounts of pubic hair. The background was what appeared to be a female’s or even a child’s bedroom. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it! What deranged individual was sitting around some female’s house at 4pm and thought “Hmmmm….I bet Christine would really like to see a picture of my dick”? It wasn’t even sent during the classic ‘drunk text’ time of the night. And let’s say it was an accident? So some guy is just picture-texting randomly punched in numbers? Maybe in some dank bar in Fresno my number is scrawled on a bathroom wall along with the phrase “really likes to see pictures of wieners”. Who knows?
After the shock and horror of having a strange penis forced in my eye-holes, I became angry. Really angry. I wanted to know who the hell sent that. It was like a big, disgusting, hairy cherry on top of my already shit day. I texted the number (and the picture) to my friends in Fresno to see if they knew the number: no dice. I called the number from my work phone to see if they would answer or if they had a personal voice mail: no on both. I decided to kick it up a notch. I put the phone number and exactly what they’d done on Facebook in hopes someone out there would know the person. I even offered to forward the picture to anyone who happened to want to see it. Still no answers on the identity. I texted the number and let them know that I did not enjoy the picture, but about 6 of my gay guy-friends did: no response. Some of my friends began calling the number and texting it. The rage continued.
Ross began calling the number pretty much non-stop. Call, hang up, call, hang up, etc. Finally at about 9pm, a guy answered. He begged Ross to stop calling or else he’d have to get a new number. The guy claimed to not know a thing about the picture-text nor whom I was. Yeah right asshole.
My rage continues. I would put the phone number here, but alas it has been changed. To this day, the mystery remains. Who was this anonymous cock-bandit and what were his motives? For the record, pictures of penises do NOT cheer me up after a long and hard day’s work (pun intended).